Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
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Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I believe it was Aristotle who once said “The fastest way to get you kids to stop screaming is to also start screaming.”
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Cause of death: Zumba
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.