Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
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[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.