Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
You Might Also Like
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
okay run it by me one more time
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Guy: I like you.
Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I never dropped acid in college but I did drop American Lit, Intro to Philosophy, General Chemistry and Phys Ed.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck