Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination

I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”

Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

This was a bad idea all around

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”

Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.

wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship

All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?

My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.

Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.