[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
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Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”