It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
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RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times