@HeidiCF8

Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I like cake.

You Might Also Like

@UncleDuke1969

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

@scorpicpanda

5: “I went to Banana Land. The bananas danced & had flowers & tiny pandas on their heads.”

Me: “I’ll have whatever that kid’s having.”

@daemonic3

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

@bingowings14

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

@dixie_dupree

Hell is full of ugly babies, tinkerbell tshirts and fat women debating the tastiness of frozen meals…..oh wait. This is just walmart

@jjax44

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.