Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.

I used to have dreams.

Now I have Doritos.

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant

You have two wolves inside you.

Should have ordered an appetizer.

10yo: How do you make a math book happy?

Me: IDK. How?

10yo: Solve the problems.

Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

This makes total sense…

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.

the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)

Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.

If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people

So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.

Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”

When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager