Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.

The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.

wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat

KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.

me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.

A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested

Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.

💯😂

I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.

Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

i hate you platonically

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat