Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
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Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
sin harder.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.