*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
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I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.