Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined

“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.

-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book

NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!

DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one

Is this a threat?

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test

Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings

GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!

how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*

doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]