Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell

You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.

What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.

[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt

i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.

Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!

Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit

My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.

[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]

Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.

Girl- You mean a condom?

Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose

Him: You have such a beautiful soul.

Me: It’s photoshopped.

I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.

I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday

Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio

Till the neighbors start to mow

[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”