Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.

normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes

“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest

Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?

Her: *blushing* sure

Me: What’s your hat size?

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.

“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*

If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…

“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”

If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO

Have you ever been so jealous of an idea

Visiting the cinema back in the day and asked to see “12 Monkeys”. The person serving me asked “How many?”, to which I genuinely replied with some confusion “12?”. Still makes me laugh and cringe in equal measure.

Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs