Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
You Might Also Like
real
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond
‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’
and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
We need to put an American base on the sun
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.