Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
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okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat