Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
You Might Also Like
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.