Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth

The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.

The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.

I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

ME: I want a normal night of sleep

MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.

sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey

her: what?

me: what?

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.

After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.

Drove past two First Baptist churches.

One of them is lying.

My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.

I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.