Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’

me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…

making sure he doesnt get away

giddy up Office Depot

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early

wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”

[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present

Cop: You ARE the lawyer

Me: So where’s my present?!

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

*drinks Grey Goose

*adds bird fanatic to the resume

RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

I may appear calm on the outside…

…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.

No email needs to tell me not to reply.

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for

H: I think we should see other people.

Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.

If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed

[shopping for school supplies with kids]

7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?

Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry

[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me