Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
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Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
The Struggle
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.