Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
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“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.