Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
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thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”
6yo: I’m giving myself a challenge
me: what is it
6yo: I’m going to get $99 by my birthday
me: how are you going to do that
6yo:
me:
6yo: no idea
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.