Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
You Might Also Like
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
#catsoftwitter
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder