@wolfpupy

making internet enemies is a lot easier than making internet friends but i guess it does keep the curse protection talisman industry alive.

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@Reverend_Scott

Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”

Batman: “Shut up.”

@TheBoydP

If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…

@sarafcarter

People who are quarantining in jeans: what are you trying to prove

@ALLCAPSBRO

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

@dumbbeezie

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

@_elvishpresley_

Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!

Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—

Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM

@online_rat

sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade

@ChrisThayerSays

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

@UncleDuke1969

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

@Parkerlawyer

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.