Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
making internet enemies is a lot easier than making internet friends but i guess it does keep the curse protection talisman industry alive.
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If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
People who are quarantining in jeans: what are you trying to prove
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.