My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
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The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Who does Amazon think I am?
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
*orders delivery*
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.