Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
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[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
smart people are like huskies
if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out