Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
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me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
make up your mind
