Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
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I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Whoa… oh I see lol
pain
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
My birthstone is kidney
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills