Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
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No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Before & after 😅
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
how long have you had this for?
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.