Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
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(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
“Grandma jumped in front of my client.”
-Reindeer lawyer
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.