Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
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Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
