[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
You Might Also Like
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.