Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.

set yourself free xox

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.

A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated

How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?

I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.

husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado

me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend

husband:

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs

Jeremy: That’s really cool dad

Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually

I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.

yes… yes…

me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”

the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it