@InternetHippo

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

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@Parkerlawyer

Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”

@ojedge

[Blackstreet Bakery]

Me: [watching the baker kneading dough] “I love the way you work it”

Baker: “No diggity?”

Me: “Baguette up.”

@badAzz_mom

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!

@KentWGraham

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

@mydmac

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

@collegefession

“I always keep a textbook with me when I hook up with girls so there’s no walk of shame I’m an early morning scholar #3.9GPA” – NSU

@kentgrossarth

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

@Marlebean

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

@SuperRandomish

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[watching The Silence of the Lambs]

Me: Hear that?

Her: No

Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs