Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
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Me: [watching the baker kneading dough] “I love the way you work it”
Baker: “No diggity?”
Me: “Baguette up.”
………GO TO HELL!!
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
“I always keep a textbook with me when I hook up with girls so there’s no walk of shame I’m an early morning scholar #3.9GPA” – NSU
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs