[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
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We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
getting old is fun
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
operators are standing by to ignore your call