Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move

– a parenting memoir

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*

Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:

“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”

*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*

ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?

— my kid on a Saturday

So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.

“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”

A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.

“I’d like 3 second slices please”

My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.

shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to

Pescaterian: eats fish

Pestcaterian: eats insects

Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character

God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.

Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.

When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?

bigfoot

the abominable snowman

chupacabras

the loch ness monster

a unicorn

mermaids

restful sleep

dragons

a super walmart

werewolves

happiness

cyclops

a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap

Me: That’s fine, take a nap

3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning

Me: Great!

3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!

Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow

If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.

Woman on the mom forum wants to start a weekly play date club (good idea!) and another woman chimed in:

“Is it so you can steal information about women’s husbands so you can cheat with them, like how you cheated with mine?”

And now my Sunday just got MUCH more interesting!

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car

I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)

me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda

Sure, I’ll come to your party

*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets

Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.

Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”

Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!

Other judge: Security

Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!