Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours
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A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
my mind
You just read my mind
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Gods work.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.