Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours
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The police never think its as funny as you do.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Thank you 🥹
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.