making my dog give me my pills
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I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Me: did you find the problem?
Plumber: toilet goblin.
Me: a what?
Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”