making my dog give me my pills
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Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
these can’t be my only options
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.