making my dog give me my pills
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Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*