If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
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Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”