making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
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BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Golf would be better with landmines.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
bros in the example zone 😭
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
As per my previous tablet…
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now