Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”

passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.

Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…

Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

ㅤ

FINE!!

So I misread the ad

Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler

Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

[wheel of fortune]

me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.

A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)

“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

Time machine ads be like:

“Can you here me now?”

Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead

Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.