making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
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Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal