making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
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[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.