Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[both kids on my lap]

Me:This is so nice

5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.

M: I carried you for 9 months!

4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.

My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me

Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah

Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.

“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…

I know that now.

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.

Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?

Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?

*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.

911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

This could be us but you eatin’

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.

Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze

[pronounces lasagna like bologna]

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.