Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
You Might Also Like
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
So the ex texted me
I drew y’all a little something.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.