Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

“How stressed are you?”

Me:

The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell

*pronounces woah like Noah*

Her: your SO annoying!

Me: you’re 😐

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: You’ve already written no

Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess

Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess

In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?

We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.

Active voice: “I love your article”

Passive voice: “Your article is loved”

Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”

MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?

MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…

Me: You did?

Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!

Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?

Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.

H: Which episode?

M: The one with the dance contest.

H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….

Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.

Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.

[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]

Me: it’s a little cold 😤

For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.

Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.