Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.

This is my emotional support knife.

A party without Vodka is just a meeting.

Nurse: Know your blood type?

Me: Type-O

N: That’s good!

M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!

N: Get out

M: Fair enough

“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”

Me: “OK.”

*takes a nap*

*reads four books*

*builds a pyramid*

Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed

scrooge: who are you

ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present

scrooge: so santa claus

ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT

just had the most telling freudian slip of my life when someone called in asking for the boss and I replied “sorry he’s not in right now, is there anyone else that can hurt you?” jfc

On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

Breaking news:

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are

just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing

Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?

Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.

paddle faster i hear baby shark

Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens

Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that

Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

Me: *driving*

My mom at every turn: