Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old

-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.

If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.

GEICO: customer service, how can we help?

ME: I’ve been in a car accident

GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?

ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?

A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.

If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.

Candid photo of me, eating chips.

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.

“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server

“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”

~All accountants

It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.

Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*

[hosting a party]

Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.

Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*

Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?

Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.

He spends all day chilling in the water.

His life is one big pool party.

when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*