Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT

Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?

My 6year old: You only asked once

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

True embarrassment lies within your first email address

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.

*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

They did not miss in the small print

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”

No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.

I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.