Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:

“I’m really good in bed”

-Ice cream

bro what is going on at twitter

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

feeling dizzy

highly recommended, many stars

ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way

girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

Bed should get ready for ME

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.

Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.

Email from my mom: What’s my email address?

my mom decorated the apartments for the cats

Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!

Teen: rolls eyes

I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.

pharmacist: are you getting a booster?

me: high chair please.

[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!