Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.

I bet it would have sold millions.

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.

Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”

1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up

I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.

The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.

Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣

Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…

I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.

Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.

Marriage.

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”

Me: Cute baby, when was she born?

New mother: Yesterday.

Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?