[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
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In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
This is so me 😂😂
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald