Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.

Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.

Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.

Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces

Good morning

middle school in the ’90s

is this meant to deter me

Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*

4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.

My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.

“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.

Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

Oh boy, $150,000!

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.

Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer

and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years

When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man

If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit