Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair

Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?

Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.

Child: So, it’s affected your vision?

Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?

Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

superterriblemorningexpialidocious

Take 9 seconds. Be this happy

When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.

Problem solved.

Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.

I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.

[feels adventurous]

As a kid: *climbs a tree*

As a teen: *dyes hair*

In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*

In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.

Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move

Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.

The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.

God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.