Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
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Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.