Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.

Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello

Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones

Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar

the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths

Wife:

4 firefighters show up

Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple

Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?

Check mate

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.

I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.

Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight

Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one

Me: I’ve never been prouder of you

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried

Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.

*skydiving*

Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds

When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”