Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.

If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed

The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired

*speed date*

Her: Hi there, my name’s —

Me: Braid my hair.

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar

Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.

“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please