[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
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Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.