Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The company hates when I helicopter into work.

It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”

I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.

Yup.

Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.

people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.

Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!

HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall

Me: that was unclear

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

[interview]

What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!

Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”

Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early

i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?

If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

Yeah. This was me today.

The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.

asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice

[7 AM at the grocery store]

Me: Wow all the old people are out early.

Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.

Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.