[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
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I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
it’s either covid or clever vampires
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead