Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Come out of your shell” they said

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too

H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?

M: Can I wear my tiara?

H: I’d rather you not

M: Then no thanks

[husband leaves]

M: *whispers* works every time

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

[First day as villain]

Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.

Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.

i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle

so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

this is the greatest thing ever

Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.

6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat

Me: I…I’m not sure what to do

Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”

Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”

I’m too immature for adultery.

Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.

Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.

Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.

Then I remembered pineapple .

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……

HER: We need to talk.

ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.

HER: …

ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.