[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
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There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
are they though??
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.