Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless

My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.

Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?

Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey

her: what?

me: what?

Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?

Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.

Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.

Me: *death glare*

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.

50 shades of grey = my Liver

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment

Free him

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

Friends: “No thanks.”

Enemies: “Also no thanks.”

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]

Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.

The IRS agents were not amused.

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper