Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.

ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong

SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you

ME: *under breath* damn, son

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

i was dropped as an adult

Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.

can I use a minion as a tampon

I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels

First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.

Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.

Write his name in the cheese.

Leave it on his porch.

His wife is home.

Write hers too.

Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.

When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.

people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me

Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time

Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.

My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.

I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.

7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away

I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”

“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”

Rock stars’ children have very strange names.

If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.