Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo

Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it

Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.

I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…

watched the godfather with my little sister and after 2 hours of silence she uttered an incredulous “he’s elf’s dad” before falling asleep. never showing her a film again

Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭

Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout

Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in

Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!

My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?

COP: Tell me what you saw

ME: Jersey Boys

COP: *sighs* at the crime scene

ME: No, at the theatre

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

Banana is the quietest snack

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.