@DurtMcHurtt

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

You Might Also Like

@TheTweetOfGod

Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.

@Tmoney68

[Army Shooting Range]

Officer: Are you locked & loaded?

Soldiers: YES SIR!

Officer: You may fire at will!

Soldier Named Will: WTF?

@scawn_

Obviously this cat thinks I won’t punch a cat

@aidanjsears

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

@Dee_Aye_Bee

*getting murdered* First time? *sighs* You’ll want to lacerate my abdominal aorta. *sighs, puts hand on the bottom of my ribcage* It’s here.

@RdrJay47

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

@IndecisiveJones

So my wife doesn’t like the new body wash she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.

@NurseMurderer

him: what are you looking for on this dating site?

me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.

@Cpin42

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

@Brianhopecomedy

“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old