[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
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Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
But that’s none of my business
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.