[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
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Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Worst perfume name ever.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
#dnd #ttrpg
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff