2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
You Might Also Like
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
If you could choose between having a girlfriend and owning the new playstation what would be your first game?
*gets off on a technicality
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
To convince my boss that I’m keeping busy, I periodically yell “YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?” into my phone, then slam down the receiver.
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Prank caller: Is your refrigerator running?
Me: Of course. Can’t have these bodies at room temperature
*muttered from inside a bear*
“Go hiking,” they said.