[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

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2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”


Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.


If you could choose between having a girlfriend and owning the new playstation what would be your first game?


Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.


Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.


To convince my boss that I’m keeping busy, I periodically yell “YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?” into my phone, then slam down the receiver.


[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?


Prank caller: Is your refrigerator running?

Me: Of course. Can’t have these bodies at room temperature