[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

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**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.



Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….


“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same


Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.


Elon Musk’s son not gonna have birthdays he’s gonna have updates😭😭


my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted


I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.


If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.


The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.


I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.