@XplodingUnicorn

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

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@bobblegagger

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

@catmarstru

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

@InThaBurbs

Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

@jujubangzz_

Elon Musk’s son not gonna have birthdays he’s gonna have updates😭😭

@SeaGlassSiren

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

@JustMeTurtle

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

@Lisa_Laughs_

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

@3sunzzz

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.