[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
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sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture