Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
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To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Every haunted house movie:
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
How do you like your Corgi?
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun