Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
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Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
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How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow