Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
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“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Doctors texting each other.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
For the ones in the back.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”