Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.

operators are standing by to ignore your call

When I (vegetarian) hear the server list the specials and don’t want to hurt their feelings: Hmmm the filet mignon sounds really nice. Shrimp linguine, that I’m sure is delicious too. Let me think oh yeah I’ll have the fries.

Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

Never run with scissors. Unless…

• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions

me: help i’m being murdered

911: sounds like you’re tattling

me: what

murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

Her: your SO annoying!

Me: you’re 😐

My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?

Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.

Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

I don’t know if I’m just renewing my driver’s license every year or if I’m aging like a store bought banana.

I always thought a fortress was a female fort.

mom: why is your room always so messy

me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.

7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”