Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives

I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.

adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to

*Now with 50 percent less fat*

Me: ooooh *buys two*

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.

trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card

Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings

I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.

At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal

Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito

Me: I’m cutting back on wine!

Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.

Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?

Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register

Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?

Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”

Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29

If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.